I’ve Become a Defeatist

…and that’s not who I am and I don’t like it. But here’s how I’m committed to changing that.

Happy New year, my friends! I hope your holiday season was filled with rest from the chaos, that you spent energy rejuvenating and nourishing your body and spirit, and that some time was spent with the ones you hold the dearest. I hope this new year brings prosperity to you and yours, great health, and tons of goal smashing. My own life has had a lot of challenges in recent months. In the midst of it all, I’ve had amazing support from the people around me and I’ve somehow persevered.

While running my errands yesterday morning, I turned off the music, which is something I tend to do when I feel an itching to think without distraction. A thought popped out at me in a loud, albeit RUDE voice — “You’re a defeatist!” I thought “what??? wait….huh…I am,” and then proceeded to think through the whys and what happeneds and whens. Something I’ve always prided myself on is my self awareness. I am able to acknowledge something negative in my life or my spirit without someone else needing to point it out. If I smell some BO, I’m not above sniffing my own armpits and saying “damn, that’s me” and then proceeding to wash-up and change my shirt. If I encounter any negative situation, I can acknowledge where I may have been rude or lacked empathy, then apologize and work to fix the situation. One of the hardest times to be self aware is when a situation involves only ME. I am the only one who can acknowledge and solve this thing. Thinking about why I feel held back in life was jarring and a bit uncomfortable. Acknowledging that I’ve become a defeatist answers so much of the reason as to why I’ve struggled with my mental health for the past couple of years so much. But hey, so much good can come from growth, and growing can be accompanied by some pains that we must endure to reach our next level. I sat down and thought about ways that I could grow…and I felt that maybe, just maybe these may resonate with some of you all, as well. May 2025 be the year we truly start doing the work to make us the best version of ourselves. Here are some things I’m going to try…

Stop comparing. Yes, we all know we shouldn’t compare. What folx show us is only what they want us to see. We rarely see the raw, unedited lives of anyone anymore. We all know this by now. Comparison doesn’t stop there, though! It also means comparing to past versions of ourselves. I thought about how I don’t read anymore and I used to be able to read a book or two a week. That feels like such a past life…but y’all it really is! I had one child back then and she was in school during the day. I was in college full time taking two classes a day, and when I wasn’t, I was at home and I could read and do whatever I wanted. My life looks way different now than it did 10 years ago. I work part time, I volunteer a lot, I’m on the PTA board, I have two children with their own social lives and a husband! Why should I expect to still be doing exactly what I did a decade ago? Doesn’t make sense. I have to let go of that and just be where I am and who I am now. This includes accepting some new limitations and making adjustments to suit the me of 2025.

Stop diminishing my accomplishments. I think we’re all guilty of this to some degree. Usually it’s adding “lil” to a thing we got, like a “lil job” or “the lil channel” we started. “I know it’s not much but I (got my certificate, went back to college, changed position at work)”…you get the idea. You are a bad ass and everything you do is a big deal, so let’s celebrate it! Do you know how much effort it takes to wake up and breathe and thrive in this dumpster fire of a world we live in right now? When you’re choosing to wake up everyday, take care of yourself or partner, parent, pets, kids, even plants, you’re doing a big thing. We are doing big things. In the past two years I have chipped away at my social anxiety tremendously. I was awarded a scholarship. I made Dean’s List every semester. I have showcased my handmade clothing to large groups of people. I entered and placed 3 of my pieces in the state fair. I taught a workshop ALONE, I helped with instruction at another workshop. I was invited to display my clothing last year at a maker’s fair and I had to decline, but the invitation was extended again this year! I was invited to speak at virtual seminar, which I only managed to see a year later when looking in my spam. All this time I was down on myself for not achieving enough. When I look back, I am astonished at what I actually did! Look at all those big things!

Set micro-habits. I didn’t know this was a thing, but it is a thing and it makes SO much sense to me since I heard it. I was watching knitting videos on YouTube and after one of them went off, it autoplayed some other video. The video was “8 Tiny Micro Habits to Change Your Life” on Sam Ozkural’s channel. Disclaimer, I don’t know/subscribe to/follow this person, so haven’t vetted anything about her nor endorsing her, but I wish to give credit to where this came from. I didn’t watch the whole thing, but I did get the major gist of it. Instead of only setting goals that are big and grand like “save extra $2k by the end of the year” think “stop eating out and coffee shops to save money. Put away $200 a month.” The tendency is to think, “ugh everything is so expensive and we are spending most of our money to live day-to-day, How am I ever supposed to save??” By starting small and changing small habits, it will add up. For me this means accepting reading 30 mins a day instead of avoiding reading since I can’t finish a book in less than a week. I’m still reading. Walk 30 mins a day while I listen to music (or even an audiobook). It’s not a HIIT workout, but I’m still moving my body. I won’t chug a water bottle, but if I remember to fill my glass every couple hours, I’m still drinking more water than I did before. These small habit changes will advance me toward my goals, even if the pace is slower than it used to be. A building doesn’t just appear, it’s built one brick at a time.

Remember, we all start somewhere. This is one of my biggest sore spots. It’s like a blend of comparison and goal setting all balled into one and it blocks me from progressing almost every time. I’m constantly seeing people doing their thing. Getting collabs and partnerships, setting up their beautiful studios, filming content, banging stuff out left and right. They’re landing dream jobs, launching new products, and opening storefronts. They look so happy and successful. Follower count keeps going up and up. Meanwhile, I’ve been sitting in the same (figurative) space for a while now. But you know why I have?? Because I’ve been looking at other people and what they are doing and instantly feeling defeated. “Wow, they’ve achieved something.” “They are at X or Y, nearing Z.” Meanwhile, I’m acknowledging that in order for me to get there, I have to work my way from A, yet because because I feel like I’ll never catch up, I dismiss the journey. I have to start at A, then work to B, C, and beyond. I have got to stop looking at other people on their journey, in their own “car” taking their own “route” and being envious. Who knows if they’re truly enjoying the journey or if they have annoying or frustrating passengers? Maybe their journey includes more detours than I’d like, unexpected maintenance, or alternate routes? I can head nod to the car next to me while still maintaining focus on where I am going.

Be a part of the community I wish to belong to. Community is about connection. Honest moment–I SUCK at remaining connected to anyone other than the people I live with. I’ve never really gotten to the root of “why” I’m this way, but I think it goes back to my childhood. Relationships and friendships were not encouraged, so I spent a lot of time alone or only with my siblings. My best friend of almost 20 years lives in Virginia and I have a very hard time staying in contact with her. Not only do we have 3 hour time difference, we have different communication styles. She prefers talking, I prefer texting. We make it work somehow and she hasn’t abandoned me yet. My dad calls me while I’m in the middle of something and leaves me a voicemail. I take 5 business days to call him back. I currently have 190 unread texts on my phone, and while I like telling myself they are spam or receipts, I can’t rule out actual human beings in the mix. Me being like this makes new friendships hard. I often don’t think to check in with people or initiate outings or anything like that. This results in only talking once every few months and…well no one really gets to know me that way, and neither do I. If people are willing, I’m committed to trying harder to being a better friend & family member this year. To spend time getting to know people on my remaining sewing teams. To meet more local people. To do more things. We weren’t created to exist alone!

I may not be fearless, but I’ll at least try to embrace “brave”. My husband recently lost his grandmother and this concept has been on his mind a lot, as well. He considered her such a fearless woman. You can check out his YouTube video if you’re interested in hearing how he’s changing in the new year. In the short time I got to know her, I learned she took no one’s ish, spoke her mind, and did whatever she could to make those around her feel happy and loved. She chased her dreams when people thought she wouldn’t make it and she lived a life of no regrets. Then, there’s my mom. She was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer this past November. She had a couple complications that resulted in two surgeries, but you wouldn’t tell today that she has had to endure any of it. She’s currently undergoing both chemo and radiation, somehow managing to stay upbeat, happy, living her life as best as she can, keeping a positive outlook on life. If she has any fear, she doesn’t show it. Seeing women in my life not afraid to take on life’s challenges and still showing up is such an inspiration to me. I don’t know that I can say that I can be fearless, because so much terrifies me, but I am committed to doing it all anyway, scared as hell. I think that makes me brave, and that’s something I’ll keep striving to be. There’s no room for a defeatist attitude here!

P.S. Did you peep the new thing I’m trying at the top? It’s a work in progress as I learn editing for audio/video, but I hope you like it. 🙂 I plan to do more of it in the future, so stay tuned.